There are so many cliche' sayings, like "Don't go to bed angry", "Never drink and dial", "Count to ten before you speak"... And those are all great advice. I have no idea if there is some saying about writing when you are angry/frustrated, but I AM both and so here I go.
This will be akin to a PMS rant, however, that is not what this is. I have no M with which to have the P and the S.
Today it is warm outside. It has been rainy for weeks and weeks (Hawaii wintertime) and the weather has recently changed. The sun is shining, birds are chirping: Spring time is here. I have lost a few pounds, only 2 or 3 really, but whatever. I take what I can get (wink wink, honey!). I decided to wear shorts again today, as yesterday was lovely and I wore shorts then as well. Except I have always been the "must shave legs daily" kind of girl. No skipping days for me, I even manage a 5:00 shadow sometimes. So I did a quick shave sitting on the side of the tub. I didn't want to take a shower since I have a full day of working to do, and I will end up sweaty anyhow. It makes more sense to me to bathe before bed. So, as I shaved without the nice hot shower to soften my leg hair, I was mildly concerned about razor burn. I have some nifty after shave spray for women, it even sprays while upside down. So I begin to spray my legs and I pivot to see the back of my legs so I can spray there.
W. T. F.
If you don't know what that stands for, Google it. I warn those of you with baby ears, its strong language.
Apparently I have developed a lovely spider vein, as well as some waaaay sexy bumps and lumps. And I am mad about that. It means I have lost another battle to the aging process that is totally preventable. I could have been working out like a fiend to get back into shape, but I have had NO energy to do that. With the 3 kids, I only have nights aloneto myself. That is when I should have been doing my exercise. Did I? Nah, I just spent that time chilling out, watching movies and folding laundry, most times snacking, sometimes on healthy stuff, sometimes not. I haven't gained weight, (wheeew!) but I haven't lost it as I'd like to. And now, there is a stupid spider vein that I could have laser-ed off, but won't, because that is a luxury most common people cannot afford.
And I did it to myself. Or at least I didn't stop it from happening. Aging is a cruel, evil bitch.
What will I do about this? I suppose I have to just make time to exercise. I will have to loose my chill out time, and I am okay with that. My family says to me that the chill out time is good, totally expected when raising 3 kids. And I agree, that alone "me time" is healthy, but I will just have to turn that into "healthy me time" instead.
I am feeling so defeated now. So unmotivated today, and that is making me sad and even MORE defeated. I can tell I am on a downward pity spiral and that is SO not my style. I almost feel like pulling my workout shoes on right now and starting up the treadmill (not so unmotivated after all?). I won't do that of course, since my 8 month old is napping. Those of you with children (and a little life experience) will recognize how Murphy's Law will snap into action the second I step foot on that treadmill. I know she will wake and need all sorts of things, a new diaper, maybe a new onesie, a boobie and a cuddle. Then my older two will float in with needs of their own, help with a Lego structure, a Barbie who needs her dress tugged on... Most likely, the dog will have to go out to pee at this exact same time. And while I am thinking the worst, I bet the doorbell would ring with the Kirby salesmen trying to pressure me into buying a $2000 vacuum!
PHHHOOOOOOOOW!! (large and cleansing exhale)
Yes, I think it MUST be nearing the middle of this deployment. I think today I have fallen off the horse and it is time to climb back on. The lovely view of the back of my legs has truly bothered me, it has disturbed me. I am ready to get myself back to how I used to be. I have been VERY overweight before, and I bounced back from that. I can do it again, however I am older and with more kids and less energy. But, excuses excuses, I just have to do it.
I SO miss my husband. Not that he can do anything to help me loose weight... THAT has to come from me. But he reassures me, makes me feel beautiful no matter what. He also could help me find more time... But that is not worth thinking about, since we still have about 7 months left of this deployment.
Okay, I am still mad at myself, still frustrated, but I guess typing it all down has eased all the stress a bit. I was 100% frustrated, now I'd put myself at about 40-50% frustration.
PHOOOOOOOWWWW (another deep breath)
-B
We Moved!!!
14 years ago
1 comment:
Girl - I think you are being too hard on yourself. But, I completely understand your pain (more than you'll ever know). I am currently working on losing my extra baggage (both physically and mentally) and I understand that struggle. I have become more active and have dedicated an hour each evening to work-out time, whether it be the gym, tennis, or walking the dogs. But, it's hard. There are some days that I am so drained from work that the last thing I want to do is work out. I remind myself that I would at some point like to look at myself in the mirror and not grimace. Oh, and the fact that I don't want to end up dying from some disease that is preventable.
And the vein thing - believe me, I understand. I have them and I haven't even had kids. As a matter of fact, when I went in for my physical last week, my Dr. gave me a referral to a vein clinic! So, yeah, I understand. Just remember - any little bit that you can do helps. Whether it's ten minutes or an hour. And let me know if you need a pep talk - I'm here for you! :-) Keep on being the wonderful, beautiful person I know!
Post a Comment