I'm sick... no wait, it's a commentary!

Hi out there! I am sick with the crud so I will get back to writing more in the upcoming week. My voice is shot, my nose stuffed and congested. I have been drinking a lot of hot tea. The kids will soon be on winter break (!) and I don't know who is more excited; Joe and Lily or me. We are looking forward to sleeping in, and the leisurely days, spending more time each other. Tonight I let them cook dinner, something very easy from a box. While it was baking in the oven, we took a short walk around the neighborhood to admire the Christmas lights. Leah especially loved it! That baby could look at pretty lights all night long. We even took our puppy, and she was wearing a little doggie hoodie. My neighbor's dog grew too fat to wear it, so Jewel got the hand-me-down doggie sweatshirt. Very cute, and useful as well (she is a Chihuahua, they get cold if the sun goes behind a small cloud :-). Well, I am off to have more nearly scalding tea. My throat seems to be craving super hot water, it feels wonderful and I can talk after about 3 cups!

Oh, here is a thought provoking thing I did today; one of my friends sent me a video of wedding -- an Iraqi wedding. At first nothing really stuck out as odd, it was just a normal Middle Eastern wedding... then you see a little boy, maybe two years old. He is holding a handgun. It looks like he is trying maybe to give it back to his daddy (who is standing up over the boy), but he is looking at something else. Then somehow, the toddler shoots the gun!!! And it hits his dad in the chest, killing him! This was all caught on a cellphone camera. Wow. There was a watermark on the video with a web address so I typed that into my browser and suddenly I was at an all Arabic web page. Me not being able to read Arabic, I pushed the translate button and I found myself on a news site. And it was really fascinating to see the news headlines in that part of the world. I could read what makes their news stories, see what sort of things go on day to day over there. It was so full of tragic stories; suicides, accidental shootings, rape, murder, bombings... and there were also graphic photos to go along with them. Of course the news here in America sensors the images, however we still report on the crimes, though it seems we have fewer horrific stories. I just tried to imagine what it would be like if the news I am used to watching was as raw as the news on that site. What would my frame of mind be like? My children as well, since they also see the news? I usually turn the news on every morning as I nurse the baby and Joe and Lily are getting ready for school. They float in and out of my room, catching little bits of each story. But since the news here is quite tame (compared to what I saw on the Arabic site), I don't feel bad letting the kids hear or see the news. They should have some knowledge about the rest of the world. However, if there seems to be a troubling story about Iraq coming on, I'll turn the channel since their daddy is deployed. They don't need any help imagining what could go wrong...

But what if our news showed the real pictures???!!! Raw, unedited, and sanguinary??!!

I am not writing this to suggest we change our newscasts here in America and start to show every gory detail. Nor am I here to denounce the news stations in the world who do show the horror in technicolor. I suppose I am just marveling at the difference of each culture. Trying to imagine myself living there, seeing those images on the news. How would that affect my frame of mind, the choices I make for my family? The way I protect my children? I also know my husband and my brother are living in Iraq for a while. So that is their reality right now. They may not be living in the big cities, sharing the same streets and market places with the locals, but they do interact with them, they do experience the same things and at times they even may see those horrors. So I ask myself, What if it were me living there, can I imagine myself living there? I want to understand what it is like for my husband, and for my brother. For all my friends and family who are there right now.

I think it is so easy to dismiss the nature of what it is like in other places in the world, places that are politically unstable and therefore physically dangerous. I know I have done it, put the danger out of my mind when my husband has had to deploy. He has been gone several times and I think part of me threw a defense up to deal with the stress. I never forget that he is in a dangerous place, how can I? But each time he has had to go, I have made sure to keep those thoughts from occupying my mind. To not allow the images and fear to fill my thoughts with worry. Moreover, I have small children, I've had to shelter them somewhat from what it really is like over there. They know a lot now, but I still protect them as best I can from uncertainty and distress over their daddy. Perhaps I listened to my own sterilized versions of deployed life a little too often. I have not let myself "go there" too many times, if you know what I mean. Otherwise, if I did, I think I'd be constantly irritable and troubled, if I let myself recognize what I know to be true. It is a different and dangerous world that my husband and brother live in for now. It is not all sand and camel spiders, scorpions and MRE's. There are guns, bullets, and grenades, with humans who will use them against another. And then I remember it isn't just Soldiers and the extremists they fight living there. There are also families, mothers just like me. They too rock their babies to sleep at night, and make dinner for their families. They take joy in celebrating the simple wonders of each day. All the same, they have a darker cloud over their heads, and I wonder if they think about other cultures. About societies who have a more coated and modest newscast. What might those mothers think of the place I live?

And even as I write this blog, my husband has called me from Iraq, a welcome break from such serious thoughts above. We are able to talk about our kids, talk about what they need to feel better about daddy being gone. We think about gifts we are going to buy for them, all sorts of little things husbands and wives talk about all the time. We manage to cram all that in with each phone call, those calls that never seem to last long enough. Those phone calls are like appetizers, making you hungry for the full meal, but of course the next call isn't long enough either, so you never really seem to feel full.

I began this post with the notion to make it quick, just a note to say "I'm sick, tune in next week..." and now it seems I've written a brief commentary on "The News Style of America vs. the News Style of the Middle East" as well as "Dealing with Deployment Stress". Well, I didn't see that coming. If I'd known I would still be at this computer chair 2 hours later, I would have made a cup of tea. Tea sounds great now, I think I'll go start a cup steeping...

Anyone who has any thoughts to add, or shared experiences dealing with loved ones in dangerous places, please feel free to comment! Or if you have nothing to really add, but you just like to type, you can comment as well! Have fun! Go crazy!

:-)

Just the two of us...

Making a book for Daddy
Originally uploaded by B_Williams

Every other Saturday night, there is a "Parents Night Out" daycare here on post. Since Erick is deployed, I have a special card that entitles me to free use of that daycare. Without the card, the fee is not too bad, I think $5 an hour. So, I signed Lily and Leah up and I took Joseph out this past Saturday night. He really needed some one on one time with me, so the timing was perfect. That morning Lily had a ballet dance to do, and there was also a holiday fun fest at the same place. We drove out to the place, it was a 30 minute drive (which is considered a long drive in Hawaii). Lily did her dance, the kids got to play a little at the fun fest, but the evening belonged to Joe and I. On the way home from the fun fest, we stopped at Walmart to find some crafts for our night. We decided to make a book for Daddy, but we made a wooden cover, front and back. That way Joe could use some tools!

This was my first time ever taking my kids to daycare. I have dropped other people's kids at daycare and I always found them to be a little depressing. Well, mostly just the infant room. The cribs look so instutionalized, all steel and plain white sheets... However, I know the babies don't care about what color the sheets are... they just need the basics; diaper changes, milk and cuddles. And there was plenty of everything for baby Leah. There were two workers that night in the infant room, and 8 babies were expected. Now that would certainly curl my toes to watch that many infants, but I also know these ladies are pro's, they have tips and tricks, plus a large dose of patience. And they were both soft and sweet with the babies. I had pumped milk for Leah for 2 days and I had an almost full bottle of milk (took me that long to get 7 oz, my hat is off to the working mom's who pump everyday). The daycare changes the diapers every hour, whether needed or not, so I brought plenty of labled diapers. And the two women in the room had the whole baby in each arm thing happening, they were feeding kids with both hands. So I knew Leah would have some cuddle time. Later, when I picked her up, the one lady said Leah wasn't liking being rocked, so they just laid her down in the crib and she put herself to sleep. I should have told them that when I dropped her off! Leah is a really easy baby.

So, once Leah was in the infant room, I took Lily to the building next door, the older kid daycare. They had a gym with dodgeball to play, movies, a fooseball table, books, crafts... you name it. Lily brought a blanket and pillow, but I don't think she stopped playing to ever need them. Lily was situated, Leah was set, it was time for Joe now. I felt really odd, like I was forgetting something, to not have a baby carseat, diaper bag and two kids to help through the parking lot. It was a nice change to just have one child for the night.

I started the night with fun and did something a little out of character for me. I grabbed his hand and said, "Joe, lets run! Let's hurry to the car, c'mon follow me, this is a short cut!!" And I took him along the side of the building, we ran through the grass field and all the way to our car. When we got there, he was all smiles, out of breath and just beaming! I had him sit up front and by the time I pulled out of the parking lot, he had already started to come out of his shell and was talking a whole lot.

We went to dinner at Ruby Tuesday's, Joe's choice. We shared dessert, and talked about all sorts of stuff. A great dinner. We drove home and immediatly went into the garage. I think Joe really likes to be in there, it is like Daddy's main room, it has his motorcycle and his scent (I often go in there to remember Erick). We got busy making the soccer book, starting with painting. We shared the jobs, I stapled, he hammered. We made it a team effort when we used the power drill. We both painted and glued, he did all the writing on the photos (he picked the ones he wanted to use). By 10:00 pm, he was so tired, but very happy. I told him we could just stop for the night and finish in the morning. We had a great time together, he opened up and talked to me, I was able to give him 100% of my attention. I had just as much fun as he did!

When I went back into the infant room to get Leah, I could hear her crying a litttle, poor baby. She had just been asleep, but woken up a few minutes before I got there. Once I went over to her though, before I even put the crib side down, she quieted down. She knew momma was back and she was happy to see me. It felt really good to hold her and she snuggled right onto my chest. They said she did well while I was gone, and she drank almost all her milk! Next time I will try to have a bit more milk just in case, I'll have to start pumping a day earlier! After picking Lily up, getting all the kids back into the van, I felt really happy. The Parents Night Out was a success! Lily had fun, but couldn't wait to go back home. All the kids were so tired, they passed right out fast asleep.

The next night (tonight, as I write this), when I put them to bed, Lily and I planned our evening together. We are going to go to dinner and dessert and then home to do makeovers! She will do my hair and makeup, and I will do hers. We will use the clothes in my closet to play dress up and of course, we will take pictures of all our beautiful styles! She is really excited about it, and Joseph is looking forward to going to daycare. He thinks it will be fun to play with other kids his age. He also asked about the next time he and I go out. I suggested we stay in the house and cook. And bake. He gave me a BIG smile, I think he likes that idea!!

The Parents Night Out is really meant for parents to get away for a night, to recharge away from the kids. I may sometime sign all 3 kids up and just have time alone, but for now, Joe and Lily need me. And this is an awesome way I can give them my time and attention.

Thanksgiving

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving this year. As for me and my family, we had a nice day spent with friends. The kids did an "I'm Thankful For..." arts and crafts project that we will mail to Erick soon. We didn't have a traditional "turkey day", though.

We ate nachos instead.

I know you are shocked! "How can you have Thanksgiving Day with out turkey!!???" That is what most people said when they heard what we were doing for Thanksgiving. Now, while it is true that we did not eat turkey, what 98% of Americans eat each year at Thanksgiving, we were still thankful for what we have, thankful for all our blessings. And of course there is a story as to why we ate nachos...

We moved to Hawaii in December 2003, and Erick deployed to Afghanistan in April 2004. He was home in November 2004 for R&R. He was, in fact, home about two days before Thanksgiving, and I hadn't yet bought all the food since I didn't know what he would want to do that day. It was a good thing I didn't go shopping and buy a turkey, he didn't want to have me do all the cooking just for a turkey dinner. As you all know, preparing a Thanksgiving dinner is a full day of cooking. It seems a little silly to take all that time to cook when you only have 14 days to spend together. Erick said he'd rather just spend the day relaxing with his family, maybe have a pizza or go out to eat...

My very good friend, Val used to be a cook in the Army. Her husband is still a cook in the Army. Of course, when it is Thanksgiving, the DFAC (Dining FACility, where the cooks work) goes all out for the holiday. And since they have to feed mass quantities of people, imagine how much turkey and trimmings they have to cook. This has burned Val out on making the traditional meal for Thanksgiving. That year while Erick was home, she was alone with her children and had no big plans for the day, her husband was in Iraq at the time. Since we didn't have any plans, and neither did she, we all decided to spent the day together and have a no frills, relaxed Thanksgiving 2004. As dinner approached we began to think of food, namely pizza. After calling several places, we came to the obvious conclusion that all places were closed. That of course includes all restaurants and all grocery stores. So we cobbled together a dinner of "from scratch nachos". She had fresh corn tortillas that we fried, pinto beans and chicken, we had black olives, cheddar cheese, sour cream... and so it went on, each of us bringing ingredients together to make one meal. And it was great! We baked them in the oven and the kids ate with no complaints. We washed the nachos down with Kool-aid for the kids and Coronas for the adults. Once the kids fell asleep, we hung out talking late into the night.

So, as I see it, our nachos were quite similar to the original Thanksgiving, in spirit at least. Each of us brought something to the meal to share and of course we were thankful that year. Like each and every year. Leave it to one year-plus long deployments to make you realize what is important in life, and what you are thankful for. Now, when our husbands are gone (they are on the same deployment schedule) Val and I have our traditional Thanksgiving Nacho dinner. And everyone still thinks we are nuts for not eating turkey...

A quick funny story to end with. Joesph and Lily were filthy from playing outside after dinner on Thanksgiving. I thought ahead and had the kids bring a change of clothes since I knew they might get dirty. Now, my friend Val has a large home with 5 bedrooms and 3 full bathrooms. The showers were full of the boys washing up, so we let Lily use the bathtub in the master bathroom. We have done this before with no problem, Lily is big girl in 1st grade after all and she can take her own showers and baths. In all, there were 9 children in the house (not counting baby Leah) so it was a little confused, but we got everyone settled with movies and blankets and snacks... The playroom was showing WALL-E and the livingroom had Kung Fu Panda on, all kids were content. The adults were out on the back lanai starting up a game of Cranium. I just laid the baby down to sleep in the spare room when I realized it had been awhile since I had seen or heard from Lily. I walked towards the back of the house where WALL-E was playing, thinking she had fallen asleep watching it, and I saw an empty room with the movie on the menu screen. "That's odd..." I thought, as I climbed the stairs. I walked down the long hallway (it really is long, it is a very big house), and at the end of it, I started to hear a voice, faint and sad. I hurried into the master bathroom and I found Lily, in the bathtub all wet, cold and red-eyed. "What's wrong Lily? Have you been calling for someone for a long time?" I asked her as I felt the lukewarm water. "Y-y-y-yes, momma. ~sob~sniff~ I n-n-n-needed help opening the shampoo bottle." she whimpered. It was a press button shampoo, one tiny push and I had fixed her problem. Lily just said a soft, "oh." I asked her why she didn't come down and ask for help? She was afraid one of the boys would see her naked. "Well, why didn't you wrap a towel around you?" She didn't know where the towels were. There was a towel hanging on the towel rack in the bathroom. So, she spent about 2 hours in the bathtub, and who knows how long stubbornly calling for someone to help open a shampoo bottle. That is my daughter, and she gets that stubborn streak from me. But I felt like "Mother of the Year", poor kid all alone in the bath, waiting for some help! I honestly thought she was out of the tub, otherwise I'd have checked on her much sooner! The house is so big, we really couldn't hear her calling, not with all the other kids making noise as well. I washed her hair for her, ran a comb through it and gave her a big hug. She asked "Why are my toes all funny looking?" I stifled a laugh and reminded her how long she spent in the tub. She was feeling good enough to try a little giggle, "Oh yeah, I was in there a looong time!" (~big grin~) Silly girl.

Happy Thanksgiving.

My Army Brats

The playpen of an Army Brat:
Originally uploaded by Bonnie_Williams

This is a picture of Leah taking a nap downstairs in her pack-n-play. I enlarged a picture of Erick and hung it up so she can fall asleep and wake up to his face. I have two other photos of Erick blown up like this, one is in her crib and hung this same way. The other one is in the van, on the back of the seat that is opposite of her car seat. While she rides in the van, she can study his features. My hope is that she will remember him and be friendly; not scared, when he comes home. Each day when I see her looking at the pictures, I tell her, "That is your daddy!!" and she gives me the best gummy toothless smile!

On another topic, Lily was all emotion and "little girl tears" tonight.

I rent my movies from www.netflix.com because I am a lazy person who can't remember to return movies on time. Actually, it is a great service to have and I use it A LOT during a deployment. Keeps the nights from being too lonely. So I rented a movie I thought the kids would like to watch with me, Arctic Tale. It is the polar bear version of the March of the Penguins; a documentary with clever narration and a sweet story. The kids were happy and all into the movie; I let them sit in bed with me and eat popcorn while we watched it. The story follows a mother bear and her twins, a boy and girl. The baby bears are adorable of course, frolicking in the northern snow fields. The film is about reality, however, so I wasn't surprised to see the mother polar bear kill a seal and drag the carcass over to the babies to eat. Lily's eyebrows shot way up in horror, for the seal was very cute. But Lily is a precocious little girl and once I explained that the polar bears needed to eat, she understood why the mommy bear killed the seal. As the story went on, the bear family started having a hard time finding enough food for each bear. Eventually, we noticed that the boy bear cub was lagging behind his mom and sister. The narrator says "The mother tries to get her cub to catch up, but he is too weak to follow her orders." We see the baby bear lay down in the snow and his mother and sister surround him to keep him warm.

I could see right where this was going, especially as the snow started to gather on his fur...

The next scene shows that the morning has arrived and the mother bear is trying to rouse the baby boy. The little girl bear is nuzzling him, clearly he has died sometime in the night. He is crusted with snow and slowly disappearing into the whiteness around him. Lily's eyes were stretched wide open, little pools of tears were threatening to spring a leak. And here is what broke the dam; the mother bear is sadly laying in the snow with her hear down; her baby cub dead next to her and covered in snow. The little girl bear is rubbing her head on her momma, then licking her nose as if to say, "I love you momma, don't be sad, its gonna be okay." The dam was broken, tears were pouring down her face. She was a MESS. Tears, tears and more tears. She was crushed that he died. I let her weep and curl into a ball, clinging onto my neck. Her tears wet the front of my t-shirt and I could feel each sob rack her little body. She took about 15-20 minutes to calm down, and she seemed to keep thinking about it and re-opening her sadness with little aftershock-like tears. Poor, sensitive Lily bell.

Joe just looked at her. He gave her a sympathetic pat on the back and then ignored her. Poor Joe, all these little women in the house, all the estrogen, all the emotions. He is going to be an awesome man when he grows up -- I think having the sisters will mellow him a bit and give him insight to the opposite sex. Right now though, he is taking it all in stride. He is such a good boy. Lily was recovered by the time the movie was over. Little girls can be so fickle sometimes!

And that it is all for me folks. I am so tired plus my book is tempting me. I am reading the Outlander series, and I am on book number five, The Fiery Cross. I need to finish reading these books, I always bury my nose in books and fall behind on cleaning everything!!

G'nite!

Randomness

I have no real story to tell, no real point to make. Just thoughts floating around in my head, so I apologize for all the randomness to follow. I cannot promise the paragraphs will be in a real time - sequence.


Pink eye is gone, I am happy to say. That was awful, but thankfully only Joe and I had it. The girls (!) were spared gooey eyes. The kids had a nice long weekend recently. It started off rough for me though. A few months ago I volunteered to sew tutus for Lily's ballet class. It will actually be for a younger bunch of girls, not Lily, but I wanted to help since I DO have sewing experience. I also figured that with Erick being deployed I'd have time to fill at night and the tutus would be no problem. I also didn't count on pink eye, adjusting to 3 kids by myself, and the general funkiness right after your husband goes to Iraq. I just spent many nights watching movies, reading books, or going to bed early. Long story short, I procrastinated until Friday when I was informed the tutus were needed by Saturday. The next day. No problem! I just brewed some strong coffee and sewed till 3 am. Tulle (the fabric for tutus) is horrible to work with, by the way. It is so sheer -very hard on the eyes. But I did finish them!


I took the next day to chill out and rest. The kids and I didn't do much but watch movies and cuddle. Later that night, my friend Val invited us over for dinner. The kids always have fun there, plus it is good for me to spend time with friends, adult friends! But that was another late night. So, in my world, late nights back to back = weakened immune system = allergy attack. I spent the next day sneezing my brains out and mouth breathing. Very attractive. I really felt bad for Joe and Lily because their long weekend was turning out dull. The next day was Veteran's Day -- I took them to Walmart for some sidewalk chalk, let them spend some of their money and then we placed a lei on a memorial for some fallen Soldiers in 3-7 FA. I felt glad to teach the kids about honoring the fallen heros and remembering their sacrifice. I don't know how much they really grasp, but it is a good tradition to teach them.


Recently, Lily came downstairs after putting her pj's on, in tears. Real tears, emotional tears. She said she really missed her daddy. I hurriedly put Leah down to sleep in her crib (she had fallen asleep while nursing), and then I hugged my oldest daughter. Joe was there as well, concerned for his sister. Usually, Joe and Lily bicker, but I know Joe really does love her deep down. We sat on my bed and I asked her to talk her feelings out. I know she misses her daddy, but why such tears?

She said she was worried he would get shot.

Now, that may shock anyone reading who isn't in the military. However, though it still stabs my heart each time they talk of such things, this wasn't the first time the kids asked about the mortality of their parents. Joe and Lily both have asked if daddy could die in Iraq -- Hard questions to be sure, but remember they have been asking me these questions since they were very little. They have that thought with them every time he has to deploy. We have always explained how the Soldiers have bulletproof vests, gas masks and of course all their Soldier friends to watch their backs. Also, whenever Erick goes on training missions, I remind the kids that the Soldiers are practicing so they can be very safe in Iraq. It seems to make sense to them

That night Lily was out of character as she is usually the stronger one of the two kids. She was worried daddy might forget to wear his vest and get shot. Joe was good with her, reminding her that daddy would never forget that, and I told them both so as well. Lily wanted to know how many "bad guys" were in Iraq, for she thinks when there are no more bad guys, daddy will be home. I told her there are Iraq police now, and they are learning from Soldiers like her daddy how to keep peace. I also informed both kids about all the families who live in Iraq. Once I mentioned all the babies who live there, Joe and Lily were shocked and concerned for those babies! Of course, they must have right away thought about Leah and what it would be like in Iraq. I explained to them that Iraq is a little like Hawaii, just a little more dangerous (!), smellier and dirtier! They laughed, and Lily assured me she felt much better. A few rounds of tickling later and she was all better.

Those moments must give me grey hair. Good thing I use hair dye. ;-)

Joe had another difficult math homework session. He is struggling with math the same way I used to when I was young. I know 2nd grade is where a lot of children fall behind in math. The basics are taught in 2nd, and without those basic math skills, 3rd grade is nearly impossible. So he had turned his mind off to learning and I was stubborn and kept with the lesson. It was really frustrating because the math concept was very simple: "What is half an hour after 12:00?" Okay, I thought this would be easy, I even had him bring his analog alarm clock down so he could see the concept. I taught him; "half the clock is half an hour" or "the pattern is :00 and :30, :00,:30....." and after 5 hours, with many breaks in between (some tears on both sides), I told him to stop and I wrote a note to his teacher to explain why homework was undone. The next day she thanked me for the note and said the next time we have a hard time with math homework, it would be okay to just stop and let him try again at school. I could have kissed her! Those days when Joe has math homework are a toss up; he might fly through it and feel great ("It was SO easy mom, I got it!!") OR he may build up a huge wall between the math and his brain. Those days are when even simple math cannot be taught to him. Now I will just let each of us take a breather and try again the next day. He is getting it, very slowly, but still he is making progress.

Final thought: I had to take Lily to her ballet pictures this weekend. It was 9:00 am on Saturday and I had Lily all dressed in her sequins and glitter (very pretty!). We pull into the parking lot; of course I am driving slowly; the whole lot is full of minivans. A whole rainbow of vans, it was such a typical scene. And then there is my vehicle --yep-- a minivan! I was almost embarrassed to pull into the parking spot, taking my place next to a grey van and a tan van. I couldn't help but laugh! Oh well, I will surrender myself to the unglamorous life of a soccer/ballet/minivan driving mom. I'm still cool, right? Even with the van? C'mon, they're economical! Plus, when we bought our van, it was the only one around, and really neat looking. And black, there aren't a lot of black minivans, right? Right?

:-)

The Battle Continues...

"Baa Baa"
Originally uploaded by Bonnie_Williams

Just a quick little blurb for now, I have been puttering around all day and I need to start doing something. About the pictures, I knew Leah would be cranky for trick-or-treating. She is ALWAYS crabby right before she goes to bed. I didn't even attempt to put the hat on, but here it is now! Just try to put both images together in your mind and visualize her as a little lamb. HA! You're smiling aren't you, Blog Readers?!

And just to keep everyone in the loop, Joseph has come down with pink eye now - in both eyes. Poor guy. I feel like I am on the defensive in my house! I feel like I should follow Joe around with an antibacterial wipe and the bottle of Purel. Of course, that might not be good for his self-esteem... :-) I have had a hand-washing 101 class with him and Lily, the likes of which surgeons in the ER would approve of. I'll tell you though, after the steaming hot water constantly, or the alcohol-based Purel, my hands are becoming D_R_Y. And even with super dry hands, I am still feeling like I have to keep cleaning and washing everything to avoid spreading pink eye. Mostly I am trying like crazy to keep it from baby Leah. Joe has it, Lily is clear still (fingers crossed...) and I am close to being over it. But if Leah were to get it, she can't tell me about itchy eyes, can't communicate in anyway but to cry. I have the feeling that if I were a baby with itchy eyes, I'd whimper and cry a lot. So that is my "war" here in the house. I am doing battle with the Evil Lord Conjunctivitis and his lackeys, the Burning Eye Goos...

Okay, I have a vivid imagination. And NO, I am not feverish or hallucinating!

RRRGGGGHH!!!! Joseph just now as I type, itched his eye and then placed his hand on my arm. Cooties!! This fight with pink eye is going to be brutal. Still, I think I'll take pink eye any day to head lice. We had that years ago and that was an Epic battle...

Happy Birthday Bonnie, You Have Pink Eye!

Happy Birthday Bonnie, You have Pink Eye!
Originally uploaded by Bonnie_Williams

I'll admit, we've had a rough start this deployment. Erick had to leave about 30+ hours early. That threw me off a little, like someone pushing you off the high dive when you aren't quite ready yet. But we are getting on with it, the kids are bickering with each other a bit more than usual, but that is their way of dealing with it. Nothing too bad, it is just a lot of, "He's making fun of me, Mom!" or, "Mom, she's in my room and I don't want her in here..." Petty little fights, really.

So last night I was hanging out with the kids before bed. Joseph looks at me and says" You have an eye booger, Mom." I wiped it away, and noticed that my eye was very wet, full of a very big tear. I thought nothing of it until 5 minutes later I felt a wet eye once again. Once I looked at myself in the mirror, I knew what it was, Viral Conjunctivitis, better known as Pink Eye. Oh Boy! It had been going around school, but neither Joseph nor Lily got it. Lucky me! So I spent the rest of the night sewing my Halloween costume and wiping my eye. I set my alarm clock a tad bit earlier so I can be sure to get an appointment with the doctor in the morning. When I wake up, my eye is stuck shut -- I won't go into the details. One very warm washcloth later and I can see that my eye is almost swollen shut, I have just a little slit to look through. I wonder if I will be able to see to drive the kids to school (I was able to).

After all the shenanigans of the morning, i.e. kids taking too-long showers, rushing to eat breakfast, forgetting how to tie their shoelaces... I drop the kids off at school and go home to call my Mommy. I really needed someone one to talk with, and when you feel bad, who better than your Mom? She made me feel much better, she did her Mom magic that I guess I still need after these 28 years! So I went off to the clinic to hear what I already knew, I have pink eye. Yup. Thankfully the Doctor said Leah doesn't have it, and I will just get over it like one gets over a cold. So, as I walk toward the elevator and push the button to go down, I over hear an MP (military police) say "You all need to evacuate the building, we've had another bomb threat."

Oh sure, a bomb threat, why not?!

I took the elevator down anyway, since I had a big stroller, how else was I to go downstairs? While I was standing in that little elevator box, looking at baby Leah, I caught myself thinking, "What IF a bomb did go off while we are in here?" And then I thought about people who live in places with terrorists (like Iraq) and the mothers who live with bomb threats on a daily basis, as a part of normal life. What a way to live, what a different frame of mind they must always be in. I also thought of my husband, my brother Ed, and all the other Soldiers out there as well. They have to go live in that kind of atmosphere, the threat of explosions just a part of their day. That is true heroics.

Once I picked the kids up from school, things seemed to go a bit better. I had been planning a Halloween party for Joe and Lily. They asked me weeks ago, before Erick left. We thought it would be good for them, something for them to do to take their minds off Daddy leaving. I was glad to have something to do too! But now, with this pink eye, I don't want to infect my friends and their kids. I have decided to postpone it until Saturday, the day after Halloween. I hope people still come, and they don't think I have cooties! I won't be contagious then, and I think the kids will still feel like having Halloween-themed fun (I hope). So I printed out the postponed fliers and we took a walk to deliver them. Once we came back home, I checked Joe and Lily's backpack's for homework and there I found another birthday surprise: Joseph got in a fight and has detention tomorrow. Some kid made fun of Joe's socks and he pushed the kid instead of telling a teacher. And he also lied to me after school, because I asked him if the kids liked his "wacky" socks (today was "Wacky Day" at school...) and he said "Yup, they liked em', Mom." So there went his TV viewing for a week. I also had him write an apology note to the boy he pushed. On the plus side, Joe finally learned a math concept today!!! WOOOO HOOOOO!!!

This poor kid, he is surrounded by poor math-learners in his relatives. You might say he is genetically prone to have a hard time in math. I think he makes it harder in his head than it really is. However, a friend pointed me to http://www.mathfactcafe.com/ and he did several of the flashcards and worksheets. Best of all, he figured a short cut to math, the "counting up" when subtracting bigger numbers. He said, "Now I'll never need to use my fingers again!!" There you go, Buddy! You finally are getting it! Wheeeeww! --Birthday present #1

Lily saw how sad I was mid-day today. After the pink-eye fun, the bomb scare, the detention for Joseph, it was safe to say my 28th birthday was sucking (Actually, that would be an understatement). She saw me so, so sad while cleaning up the dog's poop in the laundry room - yes, the dog who is usually VERY good at going outside only, took a large crap on the rug (another b-day surprise for me!!) Lily came down with one of my necklaces as a present. Actually it was something Joe had found a few years ago, a metal heart with the word "LOVE" inside. He found it in a parking lot and gave it to his Momma - he was 4 or 5 at the time. Lily found the necklace I'd made out of it, and she "gave" it to me. She also drew a great picture - her and I with a huge butterfly and a huge bee. I love her pictures, I love to imagine the pictures coming to life and going inside them. I keep thinking her butterflies would sound like Bullwinkle the moose! She put a smile on my face. --Birthday present #2.

I thought I needed some time outside, and since the kids were playing outside, I decided to nurse baby Leah out in the front lanai (porch) with a book to read. There is nothing better for me than a baby at my breast who is falling asleep. Add to that a comfy round chair, a soft breeze and a good book = heaven. Leah fell asleep and I shifted her to the center of my chest, her face looking up at me. I could see her cheeks all pudgy and soft, while her baby lips were pursed like she was ready to give a kiss. And she gave me 20 minutes of this bliss, a sleepy warm baby and a good book to browse. --Birthday present #3.

I served dinner, served dessert. Gave the baby a bath and had Joe and Lily put pajamas on. I played a game of Ants in the Pants with them and tucked them into bed. I reflected on how my birthday started out awful, and didn't get much better through the day. But, I was able to find little bits of joy today. And I felt glad to have those little moments of happiness.

Then I got Birthday present #4 - Erick called. AAAAAAHHHHHH!! He is like the recharger to my batteries. He takes whatever is hurting me, upsetting me, bothering me, and kicks it to the curb. After hearing his voice, telling him all about the day, and hearing about his day, I feel ready to start again tomorrow. I feel ready to make tomorrow a better day, and I also feel ready to kick October to the trash pile! October has sucked majorly; bring on November!!!

Oh, it was great to read the comments, I do read them, and I am glad to know there are people who stop by once in a while and read what I write!! Thank you for reading me.

Happy Baby!

While cooking dinner every night, I have to find something for Leah to keep busy with. She is 3 months old now, so she gets bored quickly. Tonight, I heard supreme happiness around the corner and this is what I caught on video!

Erick, when you read this eventually, (even though that may be months from now), just know I miss you so much. Know that I AM remembering to make videos of the little things. Do you remember what we used to say when we were first married? It is the little things that make the difference. And so I know you miss us and you miss our home. Here is a little bit of that, a clip of our happy baby! :-) I love you so much Erick.

Okay, I'm back to general blogging, talking to everyone once again. I don't know who reads this blog, my bet is one or two people. Those people being my mother and my father. But I suppose there may be more people reading. I like doing this though, the blogging - even if no one ever reads me. It is my "brain-dump" at the end of the day. Honestly, once I wrote that last post about having to say goodbye to Erick, I felt so very much better afterwards. I felt as though I cleaned that sadness from my head and now I don't have to dwell on it anymore.

Well, the last thing I aim to do here is bore anyone reading. I am off to workout -- I AM going to get back in shape. Man, I am so tempted to skip the workout and go snooze. I have just started exercising again and my body is trying to catch up. ~yawn~. Okay. Aerobics, here I come...

Oh, IF you are one of the people reading this, please feel free to comment! Even if you think I'm no good at this, or if you even like what I've written (hope so), or whatever. I'm just curious if anyone is reading here. Lurking is okay, I do that on a few blogs, but don't be shy! De-lurk and make a comment!

He's gone now...

Her favorite place to nap
Originally uploaded by Bonnie_Williams

Well (~sigh~), this deployment has officially started.

He is already feeling the desert sun on his back and smelling odd, Middle Eastern smells when he breathes. And I don't mean odd smells like food or something... He is most likely in a large tent with hundreds of other Soldiers who haven't had a shower as frequently as they'd like. Also, they are all eating chow from a mess hall, OR even maybe MRE's (Meals Ready to Eat). Those MRE's are designed to last till Judgement Day, so you KNOW there is a ton of preservatives in those. Must smell great! :-)

We were expecting him to leave Friday last week. So I bought all the "last meals at home" food that has become tradition in our home. Favorite breakfast cereals, premium lunch meats, steaks for dinner... that sort of thing. I even made a cherry cheesecake from scratch. And it was a good thing I made the steaks on Wednesday night -- he left the next evening. Thursday had a large group of Soldiers leaving and Erick had some work to do to get that group ready. He was at work all day, the kids were at school and it was a normal day. I called him at 4 pm to see what time I should plan dinner (he was still at work). He said 6 pm, and also that he would be home soon. At 4:30 pm, he called back, saying, "Guess what, I am f@*%ing leaving tonight! We have to be at the quad by 6pm." Here is my account from that moment:

I try very hard to NOT throw up.

"Okay," I say, " I will tell the kids. I love you." I hang up the phone and feel some bile rising up in the back of my throat. I think of telling the kids right away, but I see them innocently watching cartoons, unaware of what is about to happen this night, and I can't tell them yet. I turn around a corner, away from their eyes and let a few tears fall. I do not allow myself the luxury of a full, drowning cry, there is no time for that, there is work to do. I think I have gathered my strength, but no. At the last second I feel more tears trying to form. I retreat into the bathroom and blink them away. I will visit those emotions later, but not until weeks from now. Our baby, Leah, is happily playing on her baby gym, cooing and gurgling on the floor in a pool of the late afternoon sun. I turn the TV off and call Joe and Lily over to me. "Guys, I have to tell you something, okay?" ~gulp~ "You know how daddy was going to have to leave tomorrow night?" They nod their heads --they have not figured it out yet. "Well, his plane is going to leave tonight instead and we will have to say goodbye soon."

Slowly their faces show the realization of what I just said. The tears silently begin to fall, their little faces breaking apart before my eyes. I open my arms to them and they both come into my embrace. With their faces buried in my neck, I allow myself a few more tears. I don't want them to see my cry though. I know if they should see that, any strength they may have will fly away. They need me to be an example of how to be strong. So I say, "Now, who is tired of crying?" They both say they are and I say that I am too. In that moment, they show me how amazing they both are by drying their tears and getting busy. Lily draws a picture for daddy, Joseph gets some cars in his room to play with later. The baby still is happily wiggling around on her gym.

When Erick gets home, he packs the last few things (actually a lot of last few things) in a half hour! He even had to pack some dirty clothes, as we had planned on doing his laundry that night. We get the kids packed into the car as well as coloring books and crayons, the diaper bag and stroller, and an assault pack ready to go to Iraq. Once we were at the quad, I saw that the large group hadn't left yet. I didn't yet know which group Erick would leave with. He was busy with last minute things and not able to be with us right away. So, I am in a field with about 250 people, Soldiers, their wives and children. All saying goodbye, crying, hugging, laughing. The kids are running around playing in the sprinklers while the mother's are urging them to stay dry.

You won't see stronger people anywhere. These families amaze me every time. I stand back and watch each goodbye scene. Some cry very hard, some reminisce and talk about happy memories, some are hopeful and talk of R&R. Some look shell shocked, some look like they will throw up soon, and most are holding on to each other for dear life. But -- they all make the same sacrifice. All those Soldiers climb onto that bus, all those families let go and say goodbye.

Amazing.

I felt so odd. My kids were off playing, the baby fell asleep in her stroller and I was quietly watching all my friends say goodbye to their husbands. I still didn't know when my husband would be leaving; with the big group or later. When the fateful blue buses drove up, my heart sank. Of course, you can hear the same heart sinking sound in the crowd. It makes me think what it must have been like on the Titanic and suddenly feeling the ship sinking. You have been told the ship will go down, but until you feel that heart-wrenching drop, your brain won't accept it. That is what the blue buses feel like. The certainty that they ARE leaving, that this is not a dream. I quickly took the kids over to where my husband was working (we had been trying to stay out of the way), just in case he WAS leaving with the big group. And wheeeeeeew! He was leaving a few hours later.

Once the giant mass of Soldiers had finally left, we could take a little time to be near each other. The kids had to be told to stay nearby, as they wanted to go run and play. I think they were trying to ignore reality a little bit. Erick and I gave those last few hours to our children, so they could each have time with daddy. Joseph, Lily and Leah. They each had hugs, kisses, and talks with Erick before he left. That was all there was time for. He and I held hands, hugged each other hard and kissed goodbye.

So Erick was on the bus at last and I was 10 yards away holding Leah. Joe and Lily were next to me waving goodbye with the panicky, frantic waving you do when you say goodbye to someone you love. Those buses; they ALWAYS sit for a few horrendous minutes. You can see your man, he can see you. The kids can see daddy, he can see the them. Hell, he can even call you on the cell phone and talk. But you are already separated by the window in the bus and it feels like it is 1000 feet thick. And then the bus drives away and he is gone. Just me and the kids left, so we make our way back to our van. As I have had to put the baby into her car seat, she starts to cry loudly. Joseph asks me if Leah is crying because she misses daddy. It breaks my heart to say "No buddy, she isn't even old enough to know he's gone".

I let Joe and Lily sleep in bed with me. For them as much as for me. We watch Ratatouille and eat popcorn in bed. I tell them they will feel a lot better in the morning. We pass out together and snuggle all night long. The next day the kids and I DO feel better. We take it slow, clean the place up and de-Erick-ify. His shoes were still out where he'd left them, and his laundry with his smell was still in our room. Everywhere we looked we were reminded of him being gone and that was too hard to deal with. Once the house was picked up, we were able to start getting on with life. There are still chores to do, homework and housework, and "You still have to be nice to your sister/brother!" :-).

Joe and Lily miss Erick as much as you can imagine, I do too. I bet baby Leah will notice her daddy is gone. The dog even misses him. But each day we deal a bit better than before. We are pretty strong here, and the kids continue to amaze me.

Some neighborhood kids come over with long faces. They tell me their daddy just left today and they are feeling sad. They ask if they can come inside to play. "Of course you can." I say. How can I resist? And upstairs I can hear the children talking about their feelings with each other, dealing with it and then, getting into playtime.

Amazing.

The Hawaiian "AAhhh - Warm Home" feeling.

"Welcome to the Ocean, kiddo!"
Originally uploaded by Bonnie_Williams

I have lived most of my life in full-season states. What I mean by that is states that have a change of weather. Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall. Fall was always my favorite. I loved the bite in the air, crisp but not frigid like Winter. I loved the crunching leaves when I went walking. I have very vivid memories of walking to school with my mom when we lived in Ohio. We would talk about the different colored leaves, about school and what we might do afterward. Once school was over, and we walked all the way home, I was so cold! With a pink nose, wind-reddened cheeks and some stiff fingers, I was looking for some comfort. I know you can relate to this basic desire - to find a warm kitchen with soup or chili on the stove and mug of hot cocoa ready. You put on your fuzzy socks, get a blanket and find a comedy on TV. Meanwhile outside, the wind still blows, the temperature keeps falling and the sun starts to go down early. As you glance once more out the window, a chill tickles the back of your neck, memories of two hours ago when you were still out there. You settle farther down in the sofa, secure that you are safe, snug and warm inside your home.

Well, I have since moved away, and been living in Hawaii for the past 5 1/2 years. Here we have Sunny and Rainy. Sometimes Rainy gets mixed with a little wind, and sometimes it is A LOT of wind; then we just call it a Monsoon. So I have been here on Oahu getting spoiled with warm days, no cold days to bundle up for. I'll admit, I don't miss Winter one bit. I don't miss the icy windshield that needs to be scraped at 5 AM (and you can't find the REAL ice scraper so you have to use the plastic cover to a CD lying at the bottom of your car -- which then snaps apart mid-scrape...). I can do without the harrowing drive into work on sheets of black ice. I especially don't miss feeling that rouge snowflake dive bomb into my shirt - even though I am wearing a turtleneck AND a scarf - Nope, don't miss any of that.

~I will hide behind my beach umbrella and wait while you all throw rotten fruit at me~ :-)

Okay, I know that sounds like I am bragging about living here in the tropics. While it's true I don't miss all that cold mess, all you "Winter/Fall Folk" have something I DO miss - that "AAhhhh - Warm Home" feeling.

The Hawaiian equivalent of that "AAhhhh - Warm Home" feeling is what I will tell you about today.

We went to the beach today with some friends. About 15 minutes from our home is North Shore, Oahu. It actually is world famous in surfing circles; during December and January especially, there are very large waves. A few years ago they grew to be 30 foot waves! Awesome, to watch. ;-) Now, in October, the waves aren't that big. They are bigger than usual, but not monstrous. Still the beach we went to had the red flag warning - the undertow was strong. Joe and Lily were smart about the ocean, as usual. I think they recognize how much power it has and they are in no hurry to drown. They played as the waves came up on shore, but they didn't even try to go out in the water. They were happy just digging holes in the sand, finding shells and letting the waves on shore wash over them. Once, Lily even found a live crab that washed up. It was only walnut-sized, but Lily thought it was dead (there are a lot of dead crab bodies at the beach). She nearly jumped out of her skin when she realized the little guy in her hand was alive! There also were sea turtles swimming about 10 feet from shore. They looked just like Crush, the sea turtle in Finding Nemo.

"Duuude"

This was Leah's first trip to the beach. We used a few beach umbrellas, a floppy hat and LOTS of sunscreen, the 50+ SPF... Oh yeah, she was slathered and well protected from the sun. After hanging out with mom and dad on the sand for little while, it was time to introduce her to the Pacific. We started by dunking her feet. She looked concerned and not too sure about the ocean. She had the furrow between her eyebrows that says, "I don't think I am liking this, I am going to start crying now. Waaaahhh!" After the first shock - that wave (see picture) didn't help - she chilled out a bit and tolerated the sand and water. That was about it for her, she spent the rest of the day napping on Erick's shoulder.

I took advantage of all the kids being occupied and safe, and took the boogie board out in the water. My friend Val and I tried to catch some waves, but of course no luck. :-( Neither of us get to really go out swimming when we go to the beach. A lot of the time we are by ourselves, our husbands in Iraq, and we have to keep eyes on all the kids. So today was fun; her and I had the chance to go try and surf. I paddled out a bit (that is hard work!) and next thing I know I'm 3 feet from a sea turtle! The turtle and I parted ways and once again I tried to catch a wave, but they were not big enough to ride. That is when it started to rain. Not a hard, driving rain, but still. When you are floating in the Pacific with turtles and waves, and the rain starts to come down, you don't just get wet, you become waterlogged. Time for me to go ashore ("Goodbye, sea turtles!"). We packed up our stuff and loaded the car. That isn't easy to do when you are about 100 yards away from the car, with three kids. We had to take lots of trips to the car and all the while we were sandy, wet and worn out. Tired from walking up and down the sand, digging holes and from all the paddling in the waves. Then we have to still go shower and get the sand washed out - while it is still raining.

So here is the Hawaiian "AAhhh - Warm Home" feeling:

We are all in the van, with our damp towels underneath us. The pitter pat of the rain is all around us. Our body heat is starting to blend with the sea water and there is a muggy, stickiness to the air in our van. We are all tired, wet and still somehow finding sand in spite of the showers AND the rain... Fifteen minutes later we are nearing home. We have started to feel a little bit drier after the ride, but then we have to get out of the van and run for the door at home. Wet once again, we burst in the door and make for the showers. Hot showers to wash the salt and sand away. Conditioner for my hair, which is like straw from the seawater and sun. Lip balm to soften my dried out lips. The kids are washed up and in comfy, dry clothes. The baby is in a fresh diaper and a dry onesie. I am in my flannel pajamas pants, my hair is in a simple ponytail and I have no makeup on. Downstairs, Erick has a pot of coffee brewing, and on the stove top there is a pan of cocoa heating up. Outside it is dark and grey. The rain is sheeting down our windows and the clean, washed earth smell wafts in our screen door. We are warm and DRY, sipping our hot drinks. Wonder what funny movie is on right now...

Navigating the Information Superhighway

soccer6
Originally uploaded by Bonnie_Williams

So my first post seems to have worked, I actually appear to be getting the hang of this blogging thing! Now I have created an account with Flickr so I can add tons of photos to the mix. I am therefore using this post as a test to see if I have really linked this photostream to my blog. I think I have, but you don't know unless you try it! Just think, I used to work in the computer field, and now I am getting tripped up by all this internet stuff. I know somewhere there is a 12 year old kid whizzing through blogs and linking http and jpgs... and ________(insert more internet/computer jargon here)...

Oh, to comment about the photo I am posting, after every game, all the soccer moms and dads make a human tunnel to run through. The kids love it, they also love kicking your shins (not on purpose - I think...) getting the dirt/mud all over the place. Sometimes they come through the end of the tunnel on their bellies:-) Soccer is over for the season, and while it was rough on me (Leah was born 2 weeks into the season, and Erick was away for a month), I do miss it a little, seeing Joe's excited face and hearing about his practice. He had a lot of fun, but he also had to be prompted a lot as well. He is the kid you hear about who is daydreaming when the ball is coming straight for them. He was also the kid most likely to kick the ball the wrong way down the field. But it was good for him, he learned a little, and he made friends. Couldn't ask for more.

Why I will blog...

Tonight there is a chicken roasting in the oven, potatoes on the stove and killer chocolate dipped cookies in the fridge for dessert. The kids are watching a movie and the baby is having "daddy time". It is the typical American Dream, and I know how very blessed I am to have such a life. I'm glad Leah is having time with her daddy, she is only 3 months old and she needs all the time she can get. Her daddy will be leaving for Iraq soon (3rd time). I am so proud of my husband and what he sacrifices for us. He has to find the strength to walk away from everything he loves and step on that airplane. I stay home worrying for his safety while raising our 3 kids. We each have to be strong for each other to get through a deployment. That isn't the point of this blog, however.

I have had a My Space account for several years (www.myspace.com/happynhawaii) but I know not all of my family has an account (or the time to manage it). So I kept making slide shows so everyone could see the pictures without signing up. That works okay I guess, but on this blog I can keep a little journal of the day/week and have pictures as well. Also, since my husband Erick will be deploying soon, he can have a place to come and see how we are doing. The Internet is s l o w in Iraq and My Space takes a long time for him to load. The same thing with downloading photos on email. This blog should be the answer to all those problems.

By now your eyes are rolling in the back of your head and your starting to drool all over your keyboard. I know that wasn't very exciting, that last paragraph. While I can't promise that I will have exciting, dramatic and/or riveting stories, I will try to be entertaining with my writing. I used to be quite a writer back in school, I guess we will see if I still got it! I will mostly use this to provide a sample of my day, the thoughts I have, sweet and cute things the children do (with pictures!) and random odds and ends.

So, as my margarita is dwindling down to the bottom of my glass, it is time for me sign off tonight, and go take my husband upstairs to put him to bed.