Thanksgiving

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving this year. As for me and my family, we had a nice day spent with friends. The kids did an "I'm Thankful For..." arts and crafts project that we will mail to Erick soon. We didn't have a traditional "turkey day", though.

We ate nachos instead.

I know you are shocked! "How can you have Thanksgiving Day with out turkey!!???" That is what most people said when they heard what we were doing for Thanksgiving. Now, while it is true that we did not eat turkey, what 98% of Americans eat each year at Thanksgiving, we were still thankful for what we have, thankful for all our blessings. And of course there is a story as to why we ate nachos...

We moved to Hawaii in December 2003, and Erick deployed to Afghanistan in April 2004. He was home in November 2004 for R&R. He was, in fact, home about two days before Thanksgiving, and I hadn't yet bought all the food since I didn't know what he would want to do that day. It was a good thing I didn't go shopping and buy a turkey, he didn't want to have me do all the cooking just for a turkey dinner. As you all know, preparing a Thanksgiving dinner is a full day of cooking. It seems a little silly to take all that time to cook when you only have 14 days to spend together. Erick said he'd rather just spend the day relaxing with his family, maybe have a pizza or go out to eat...

My very good friend, Val used to be a cook in the Army. Her husband is still a cook in the Army. Of course, when it is Thanksgiving, the DFAC (Dining FACility, where the cooks work) goes all out for the holiday. And since they have to feed mass quantities of people, imagine how much turkey and trimmings they have to cook. This has burned Val out on making the traditional meal for Thanksgiving. That year while Erick was home, she was alone with her children and had no big plans for the day, her husband was in Iraq at the time. Since we didn't have any plans, and neither did she, we all decided to spent the day together and have a no frills, relaxed Thanksgiving 2004. As dinner approached we began to think of food, namely pizza. After calling several places, we came to the obvious conclusion that all places were closed. That of course includes all restaurants and all grocery stores. So we cobbled together a dinner of "from scratch nachos". She had fresh corn tortillas that we fried, pinto beans and chicken, we had black olives, cheddar cheese, sour cream... and so it went on, each of us bringing ingredients together to make one meal. And it was great! We baked them in the oven and the kids ate with no complaints. We washed the nachos down with Kool-aid for the kids and Coronas for the adults. Once the kids fell asleep, we hung out talking late into the night.

So, as I see it, our nachos were quite similar to the original Thanksgiving, in spirit at least. Each of us brought something to the meal to share and of course we were thankful that year. Like each and every year. Leave it to one year-plus long deployments to make you realize what is important in life, and what you are thankful for. Now, when our husbands are gone (they are on the same deployment schedule) Val and I have our traditional Thanksgiving Nacho dinner. And everyone still thinks we are nuts for not eating turkey...

A quick funny story to end with. Joesph and Lily were filthy from playing outside after dinner on Thanksgiving. I thought ahead and had the kids bring a change of clothes since I knew they might get dirty. Now, my friend Val has a large home with 5 bedrooms and 3 full bathrooms. The showers were full of the boys washing up, so we let Lily use the bathtub in the master bathroom. We have done this before with no problem, Lily is big girl in 1st grade after all and she can take her own showers and baths. In all, there were 9 children in the house (not counting baby Leah) so it was a little confused, but we got everyone settled with movies and blankets and snacks... The playroom was showing WALL-E and the livingroom had Kung Fu Panda on, all kids were content. The adults were out on the back lanai starting up a game of Cranium. I just laid the baby down to sleep in the spare room when I realized it had been awhile since I had seen or heard from Lily. I walked towards the back of the house where WALL-E was playing, thinking she had fallen asleep watching it, and I saw an empty room with the movie on the menu screen. "That's odd..." I thought, as I climbed the stairs. I walked down the long hallway (it really is long, it is a very big house), and at the end of it, I started to hear a voice, faint and sad. I hurried into the master bathroom and I found Lily, in the bathtub all wet, cold and red-eyed. "What's wrong Lily? Have you been calling for someone for a long time?" I asked her as I felt the lukewarm water. "Y-y-y-yes, momma. ~sob~sniff~ I n-n-n-needed help opening the shampoo bottle." she whimpered. It was a press button shampoo, one tiny push and I had fixed her problem. Lily just said a soft, "oh." I asked her why she didn't come down and ask for help? She was afraid one of the boys would see her naked. "Well, why didn't you wrap a towel around you?" She didn't know where the towels were. There was a towel hanging on the towel rack in the bathroom. So, she spent about 2 hours in the bathtub, and who knows how long stubbornly calling for someone to help open a shampoo bottle. That is my daughter, and she gets that stubborn streak from me. But I felt like "Mother of the Year", poor kid all alone in the bath, waiting for some help! I honestly thought she was out of the tub, otherwise I'd have checked on her much sooner! The house is so big, we really couldn't hear her calling, not with all the other kids making noise as well. I washed her hair for her, ran a comb through it and gave her a big hug. She asked "Why are my toes all funny looking?" I stifled a laugh and reminded her how long she spent in the tub. She was feeling good enough to try a little giggle, "Oh yeah, I was in there a looong time!" (~big grin~) Silly girl.

Happy Thanksgiving.

My Army Brats

The playpen of an Army Brat:
Originally uploaded by Bonnie_Williams

This is a picture of Leah taking a nap downstairs in her pack-n-play. I enlarged a picture of Erick and hung it up so she can fall asleep and wake up to his face. I have two other photos of Erick blown up like this, one is in her crib and hung this same way. The other one is in the van, on the back of the seat that is opposite of her car seat. While she rides in the van, she can study his features. My hope is that she will remember him and be friendly; not scared, when he comes home. Each day when I see her looking at the pictures, I tell her, "That is your daddy!!" and she gives me the best gummy toothless smile!

On another topic, Lily was all emotion and "little girl tears" tonight.

I rent my movies from www.netflix.com because I am a lazy person who can't remember to return movies on time. Actually, it is a great service to have and I use it A LOT during a deployment. Keeps the nights from being too lonely. So I rented a movie I thought the kids would like to watch with me, Arctic Tale. It is the polar bear version of the March of the Penguins; a documentary with clever narration and a sweet story. The kids were happy and all into the movie; I let them sit in bed with me and eat popcorn while we watched it. The story follows a mother bear and her twins, a boy and girl. The baby bears are adorable of course, frolicking in the northern snow fields. The film is about reality, however, so I wasn't surprised to see the mother polar bear kill a seal and drag the carcass over to the babies to eat. Lily's eyebrows shot way up in horror, for the seal was very cute. But Lily is a precocious little girl and once I explained that the polar bears needed to eat, she understood why the mommy bear killed the seal. As the story went on, the bear family started having a hard time finding enough food for each bear. Eventually, we noticed that the boy bear cub was lagging behind his mom and sister. The narrator says "The mother tries to get her cub to catch up, but he is too weak to follow her orders." We see the baby bear lay down in the snow and his mother and sister surround him to keep him warm.

I could see right where this was going, especially as the snow started to gather on his fur...

The next scene shows that the morning has arrived and the mother bear is trying to rouse the baby boy. The little girl bear is nuzzling him, clearly he has died sometime in the night. He is crusted with snow and slowly disappearing into the whiteness around him. Lily's eyes were stretched wide open, little pools of tears were threatening to spring a leak. And here is what broke the dam; the mother bear is sadly laying in the snow with her hear down; her baby cub dead next to her and covered in snow. The little girl bear is rubbing her head on her momma, then licking her nose as if to say, "I love you momma, don't be sad, its gonna be okay." The dam was broken, tears were pouring down her face. She was a MESS. Tears, tears and more tears. She was crushed that he died. I let her weep and curl into a ball, clinging onto my neck. Her tears wet the front of my t-shirt and I could feel each sob rack her little body. She took about 15-20 minutes to calm down, and she seemed to keep thinking about it and re-opening her sadness with little aftershock-like tears. Poor, sensitive Lily bell.

Joe just looked at her. He gave her a sympathetic pat on the back and then ignored her. Poor Joe, all these little women in the house, all the estrogen, all the emotions. He is going to be an awesome man when he grows up -- I think having the sisters will mellow him a bit and give him insight to the opposite sex. Right now though, he is taking it all in stride. He is such a good boy. Lily was recovered by the time the movie was over. Little girls can be so fickle sometimes!

And that it is all for me folks. I am so tired plus my book is tempting me. I am reading the Outlander series, and I am on book number five, The Fiery Cross. I need to finish reading these books, I always bury my nose in books and fall behind on cleaning everything!!

G'nite!

Randomness

I have no real story to tell, no real point to make. Just thoughts floating around in my head, so I apologize for all the randomness to follow. I cannot promise the paragraphs will be in a real time - sequence.


Pink eye is gone, I am happy to say. That was awful, but thankfully only Joe and I had it. The girls (!) were spared gooey eyes. The kids had a nice long weekend recently. It started off rough for me though. A few months ago I volunteered to sew tutus for Lily's ballet class. It will actually be for a younger bunch of girls, not Lily, but I wanted to help since I DO have sewing experience. I also figured that with Erick being deployed I'd have time to fill at night and the tutus would be no problem. I also didn't count on pink eye, adjusting to 3 kids by myself, and the general funkiness right after your husband goes to Iraq. I just spent many nights watching movies, reading books, or going to bed early. Long story short, I procrastinated until Friday when I was informed the tutus were needed by Saturday. The next day. No problem! I just brewed some strong coffee and sewed till 3 am. Tulle (the fabric for tutus) is horrible to work with, by the way. It is so sheer -very hard on the eyes. But I did finish them!


I took the next day to chill out and rest. The kids and I didn't do much but watch movies and cuddle. Later that night, my friend Val invited us over for dinner. The kids always have fun there, plus it is good for me to spend time with friends, adult friends! But that was another late night. So, in my world, late nights back to back = weakened immune system = allergy attack. I spent the next day sneezing my brains out and mouth breathing. Very attractive. I really felt bad for Joe and Lily because their long weekend was turning out dull. The next day was Veteran's Day -- I took them to Walmart for some sidewalk chalk, let them spend some of their money and then we placed a lei on a memorial for some fallen Soldiers in 3-7 FA. I felt glad to teach the kids about honoring the fallen heros and remembering their sacrifice. I don't know how much they really grasp, but it is a good tradition to teach them.


Recently, Lily came downstairs after putting her pj's on, in tears. Real tears, emotional tears. She said she really missed her daddy. I hurriedly put Leah down to sleep in her crib (she had fallen asleep while nursing), and then I hugged my oldest daughter. Joe was there as well, concerned for his sister. Usually, Joe and Lily bicker, but I know Joe really does love her deep down. We sat on my bed and I asked her to talk her feelings out. I know she misses her daddy, but why such tears?

She said she was worried he would get shot.

Now, that may shock anyone reading who isn't in the military. However, though it still stabs my heart each time they talk of such things, this wasn't the first time the kids asked about the mortality of their parents. Joe and Lily both have asked if daddy could die in Iraq -- Hard questions to be sure, but remember they have been asking me these questions since they were very little. They have that thought with them every time he has to deploy. We have always explained how the Soldiers have bulletproof vests, gas masks and of course all their Soldier friends to watch their backs. Also, whenever Erick goes on training missions, I remind the kids that the Soldiers are practicing so they can be very safe in Iraq. It seems to make sense to them

That night Lily was out of character as she is usually the stronger one of the two kids. She was worried daddy might forget to wear his vest and get shot. Joe was good with her, reminding her that daddy would never forget that, and I told them both so as well. Lily wanted to know how many "bad guys" were in Iraq, for she thinks when there are no more bad guys, daddy will be home. I told her there are Iraq police now, and they are learning from Soldiers like her daddy how to keep peace. I also informed both kids about all the families who live in Iraq. Once I mentioned all the babies who live there, Joe and Lily were shocked and concerned for those babies! Of course, they must have right away thought about Leah and what it would be like in Iraq. I explained to them that Iraq is a little like Hawaii, just a little more dangerous (!), smellier and dirtier! They laughed, and Lily assured me she felt much better. A few rounds of tickling later and she was all better.

Those moments must give me grey hair. Good thing I use hair dye. ;-)

Joe had another difficult math homework session. He is struggling with math the same way I used to when I was young. I know 2nd grade is where a lot of children fall behind in math. The basics are taught in 2nd, and without those basic math skills, 3rd grade is nearly impossible. So he had turned his mind off to learning and I was stubborn and kept with the lesson. It was really frustrating because the math concept was very simple: "What is half an hour after 12:00?" Okay, I thought this would be easy, I even had him bring his analog alarm clock down so he could see the concept. I taught him; "half the clock is half an hour" or "the pattern is :00 and :30, :00,:30....." and after 5 hours, with many breaks in between (some tears on both sides), I told him to stop and I wrote a note to his teacher to explain why homework was undone. The next day she thanked me for the note and said the next time we have a hard time with math homework, it would be okay to just stop and let him try again at school. I could have kissed her! Those days when Joe has math homework are a toss up; he might fly through it and feel great ("It was SO easy mom, I got it!!") OR he may build up a huge wall between the math and his brain. Those days are when even simple math cannot be taught to him. Now I will just let each of us take a breather and try again the next day. He is getting it, very slowly, but still he is making progress.

Final thought: I had to take Lily to her ballet pictures this weekend. It was 9:00 am on Saturday and I had Lily all dressed in her sequins and glitter (very pretty!). We pull into the parking lot; of course I am driving slowly; the whole lot is full of minivans. A whole rainbow of vans, it was such a typical scene. And then there is my vehicle --yep-- a minivan! I was almost embarrassed to pull into the parking spot, taking my place next to a grey van and a tan van. I couldn't help but laugh! Oh well, I will surrender myself to the unglamorous life of a soccer/ballet/minivan driving mom. I'm still cool, right? Even with the van? C'mon, they're economical! Plus, when we bought our van, it was the only one around, and really neat looking. And black, there aren't a lot of black minivans, right? Right?

:-)

The Battle Continues...

"Baa Baa"
Originally uploaded by Bonnie_Williams

Just a quick little blurb for now, I have been puttering around all day and I need to start doing something. About the pictures, I knew Leah would be cranky for trick-or-treating. She is ALWAYS crabby right before she goes to bed. I didn't even attempt to put the hat on, but here it is now! Just try to put both images together in your mind and visualize her as a little lamb. HA! You're smiling aren't you, Blog Readers?!

And just to keep everyone in the loop, Joseph has come down with pink eye now - in both eyes. Poor guy. I feel like I am on the defensive in my house! I feel like I should follow Joe around with an antibacterial wipe and the bottle of Purel. Of course, that might not be good for his self-esteem... :-) I have had a hand-washing 101 class with him and Lily, the likes of which surgeons in the ER would approve of. I'll tell you though, after the steaming hot water constantly, or the alcohol-based Purel, my hands are becoming D_R_Y. And even with super dry hands, I am still feeling like I have to keep cleaning and washing everything to avoid spreading pink eye. Mostly I am trying like crazy to keep it from baby Leah. Joe has it, Lily is clear still (fingers crossed...) and I am close to being over it. But if Leah were to get it, she can't tell me about itchy eyes, can't communicate in anyway but to cry. I have the feeling that if I were a baby with itchy eyes, I'd whimper and cry a lot. So that is my "war" here in the house. I am doing battle with the Evil Lord Conjunctivitis and his lackeys, the Burning Eye Goos...

Okay, I have a vivid imagination. And NO, I am not feverish or hallucinating!

RRRGGGGHH!!!! Joseph just now as I type, itched his eye and then placed his hand on my arm. Cooties!! This fight with pink eye is going to be brutal. Still, I think I'll take pink eye any day to head lice. We had that years ago and that was an Epic battle...

Happy Birthday Bonnie, You Have Pink Eye!

Happy Birthday Bonnie, You have Pink Eye!
Originally uploaded by Bonnie_Williams

I'll admit, we've had a rough start this deployment. Erick had to leave about 30+ hours early. That threw me off a little, like someone pushing you off the high dive when you aren't quite ready yet. But we are getting on with it, the kids are bickering with each other a bit more than usual, but that is their way of dealing with it. Nothing too bad, it is just a lot of, "He's making fun of me, Mom!" or, "Mom, she's in my room and I don't want her in here..." Petty little fights, really.

So last night I was hanging out with the kids before bed. Joseph looks at me and says" You have an eye booger, Mom." I wiped it away, and noticed that my eye was very wet, full of a very big tear. I thought nothing of it until 5 minutes later I felt a wet eye once again. Once I looked at myself in the mirror, I knew what it was, Viral Conjunctivitis, better known as Pink Eye. Oh Boy! It had been going around school, but neither Joseph nor Lily got it. Lucky me! So I spent the rest of the night sewing my Halloween costume and wiping my eye. I set my alarm clock a tad bit earlier so I can be sure to get an appointment with the doctor in the morning. When I wake up, my eye is stuck shut -- I won't go into the details. One very warm washcloth later and I can see that my eye is almost swollen shut, I have just a little slit to look through. I wonder if I will be able to see to drive the kids to school (I was able to).

After all the shenanigans of the morning, i.e. kids taking too-long showers, rushing to eat breakfast, forgetting how to tie their shoelaces... I drop the kids off at school and go home to call my Mommy. I really needed someone one to talk with, and when you feel bad, who better than your Mom? She made me feel much better, she did her Mom magic that I guess I still need after these 28 years! So I went off to the clinic to hear what I already knew, I have pink eye. Yup. Thankfully the Doctor said Leah doesn't have it, and I will just get over it like one gets over a cold. So, as I walk toward the elevator and push the button to go down, I over hear an MP (military police) say "You all need to evacuate the building, we've had another bomb threat."

Oh sure, a bomb threat, why not?!

I took the elevator down anyway, since I had a big stroller, how else was I to go downstairs? While I was standing in that little elevator box, looking at baby Leah, I caught myself thinking, "What IF a bomb did go off while we are in here?" And then I thought about people who live in places with terrorists (like Iraq) and the mothers who live with bomb threats on a daily basis, as a part of normal life. What a way to live, what a different frame of mind they must always be in. I also thought of my husband, my brother Ed, and all the other Soldiers out there as well. They have to go live in that kind of atmosphere, the threat of explosions just a part of their day. That is true heroics.

Once I picked the kids up from school, things seemed to go a bit better. I had been planning a Halloween party for Joe and Lily. They asked me weeks ago, before Erick left. We thought it would be good for them, something for them to do to take their minds off Daddy leaving. I was glad to have something to do too! But now, with this pink eye, I don't want to infect my friends and their kids. I have decided to postpone it until Saturday, the day after Halloween. I hope people still come, and they don't think I have cooties! I won't be contagious then, and I think the kids will still feel like having Halloween-themed fun (I hope). So I printed out the postponed fliers and we took a walk to deliver them. Once we came back home, I checked Joe and Lily's backpack's for homework and there I found another birthday surprise: Joseph got in a fight and has detention tomorrow. Some kid made fun of Joe's socks and he pushed the kid instead of telling a teacher. And he also lied to me after school, because I asked him if the kids liked his "wacky" socks (today was "Wacky Day" at school...) and he said "Yup, they liked em', Mom." So there went his TV viewing for a week. I also had him write an apology note to the boy he pushed. On the plus side, Joe finally learned a math concept today!!! WOOOO HOOOOO!!!

This poor kid, he is surrounded by poor math-learners in his relatives. You might say he is genetically prone to have a hard time in math. I think he makes it harder in his head than it really is. However, a friend pointed me to http://www.mathfactcafe.com/ and he did several of the flashcards and worksheets. Best of all, he figured a short cut to math, the "counting up" when subtracting bigger numbers. He said, "Now I'll never need to use my fingers again!!" There you go, Buddy! You finally are getting it! Wheeeeww! --Birthday present #1

Lily saw how sad I was mid-day today. After the pink-eye fun, the bomb scare, the detention for Joseph, it was safe to say my 28th birthday was sucking (Actually, that would be an understatement). She saw me so, so sad while cleaning up the dog's poop in the laundry room - yes, the dog who is usually VERY good at going outside only, took a large crap on the rug (another b-day surprise for me!!) Lily came down with one of my necklaces as a present. Actually it was something Joe had found a few years ago, a metal heart with the word "LOVE" inside. He found it in a parking lot and gave it to his Momma - he was 4 or 5 at the time. Lily found the necklace I'd made out of it, and she "gave" it to me. She also drew a great picture - her and I with a huge butterfly and a huge bee. I love her pictures, I love to imagine the pictures coming to life and going inside them. I keep thinking her butterflies would sound like Bullwinkle the moose! She put a smile on my face. --Birthday present #2.

I thought I needed some time outside, and since the kids were playing outside, I decided to nurse baby Leah out in the front lanai (porch) with a book to read. There is nothing better for me than a baby at my breast who is falling asleep. Add to that a comfy round chair, a soft breeze and a good book = heaven. Leah fell asleep and I shifted her to the center of my chest, her face looking up at me. I could see her cheeks all pudgy and soft, while her baby lips were pursed like she was ready to give a kiss. And she gave me 20 minutes of this bliss, a sleepy warm baby and a good book to browse. --Birthday present #3.

I served dinner, served dessert. Gave the baby a bath and had Joe and Lily put pajamas on. I played a game of Ants in the Pants with them and tucked them into bed. I reflected on how my birthday started out awful, and didn't get much better through the day. But, I was able to find little bits of joy today. And I felt glad to have those little moments of happiness.

Then I got Birthday present #4 - Erick called. AAAAAAHHHHHH!! He is like the recharger to my batteries. He takes whatever is hurting me, upsetting me, bothering me, and kicks it to the curb. After hearing his voice, telling him all about the day, and hearing about his day, I feel ready to start again tomorrow. I feel ready to make tomorrow a better day, and I also feel ready to kick October to the trash pile! October has sucked majorly; bring on November!!!

Oh, it was great to read the comments, I do read them, and I am glad to know there are people who stop by once in a while and read what I write!! Thank you for reading me.

Happy Baby!

While cooking dinner every night, I have to find something for Leah to keep busy with. She is 3 months old now, so she gets bored quickly. Tonight, I heard supreme happiness around the corner and this is what I caught on video!

Erick, when you read this eventually, (even though that may be months from now), just know I miss you so much. Know that I AM remembering to make videos of the little things. Do you remember what we used to say when we were first married? It is the little things that make the difference. And so I know you miss us and you miss our home. Here is a little bit of that, a clip of our happy baby! :-) I love you so much Erick.

Okay, I'm back to general blogging, talking to everyone once again. I don't know who reads this blog, my bet is one or two people. Those people being my mother and my father. But I suppose there may be more people reading. I like doing this though, the blogging - even if no one ever reads me. It is my "brain-dump" at the end of the day. Honestly, once I wrote that last post about having to say goodbye to Erick, I felt so very much better afterwards. I felt as though I cleaned that sadness from my head and now I don't have to dwell on it anymore.

Well, the last thing I aim to do here is bore anyone reading. I am off to workout -- I AM going to get back in shape. Man, I am so tempted to skip the workout and go snooze. I have just started exercising again and my body is trying to catch up. ~yawn~. Okay. Aerobics, here I come...

Oh, IF you are one of the people reading this, please feel free to comment! Even if you think I'm no good at this, or if you even like what I've written (hope so), or whatever. I'm just curious if anyone is reading here. Lurking is okay, I do that on a few blogs, but don't be shy! De-lurk and make a comment!

He's gone now...

Her favorite place to nap
Originally uploaded by Bonnie_Williams

Well (~sigh~), this deployment has officially started.

He is already feeling the desert sun on his back and smelling odd, Middle Eastern smells when he breathes. And I don't mean odd smells like food or something... He is most likely in a large tent with hundreds of other Soldiers who haven't had a shower as frequently as they'd like. Also, they are all eating chow from a mess hall, OR even maybe MRE's (Meals Ready to Eat). Those MRE's are designed to last till Judgement Day, so you KNOW there is a ton of preservatives in those. Must smell great! :-)

We were expecting him to leave Friday last week. So I bought all the "last meals at home" food that has become tradition in our home. Favorite breakfast cereals, premium lunch meats, steaks for dinner... that sort of thing. I even made a cherry cheesecake from scratch. And it was a good thing I made the steaks on Wednesday night -- he left the next evening. Thursday had a large group of Soldiers leaving and Erick had some work to do to get that group ready. He was at work all day, the kids were at school and it was a normal day. I called him at 4 pm to see what time I should plan dinner (he was still at work). He said 6 pm, and also that he would be home soon. At 4:30 pm, he called back, saying, "Guess what, I am f@*%ing leaving tonight! We have to be at the quad by 6pm." Here is my account from that moment:

I try very hard to NOT throw up.

"Okay," I say, " I will tell the kids. I love you." I hang up the phone and feel some bile rising up in the back of my throat. I think of telling the kids right away, but I see them innocently watching cartoons, unaware of what is about to happen this night, and I can't tell them yet. I turn around a corner, away from their eyes and let a few tears fall. I do not allow myself the luxury of a full, drowning cry, there is no time for that, there is work to do. I think I have gathered my strength, but no. At the last second I feel more tears trying to form. I retreat into the bathroom and blink them away. I will visit those emotions later, but not until weeks from now. Our baby, Leah, is happily playing on her baby gym, cooing and gurgling on the floor in a pool of the late afternoon sun. I turn the TV off and call Joe and Lily over to me. "Guys, I have to tell you something, okay?" ~gulp~ "You know how daddy was going to have to leave tomorrow night?" They nod their heads --they have not figured it out yet. "Well, his plane is going to leave tonight instead and we will have to say goodbye soon."

Slowly their faces show the realization of what I just said. The tears silently begin to fall, their little faces breaking apart before my eyes. I open my arms to them and they both come into my embrace. With their faces buried in my neck, I allow myself a few more tears. I don't want them to see my cry though. I know if they should see that, any strength they may have will fly away. They need me to be an example of how to be strong. So I say, "Now, who is tired of crying?" They both say they are and I say that I am too. In that moment, they show me how amazing they both are by drying their tears and getting busy. Lily draws a picture for daddy, Joseph gets some cars in his room to play with later. The baby still is happily wiggling around on her gym.

When Erick gets home, he packs the last few things (actually a lot of last few things) in a half hour! He even had to pack some dirty clothes, as we had planned on doing his laundry that night. We get the kids packed into the car as well as coloring books and crayons, the diaper bag and stroller, and an assault pack ready to go to Iraq. Once we were at the quad, I saw that the large group hadn't left yet. I didn't yet know which group Erick would leave with. He was busy with last minute things and not able to be with us right away. So, I am in a field with about 250 people, Soldiers, their wives and children. All saying goodbye, crying, hugging, laughing. The kids are running around playing in the sprinklers while the mother's are urging them to stay dry.

You won't see stronger people anywhere. These families amaze me every time. I stand back and watch each goodbye scene. Some cry very hard, some reminisce and talk about happy memories, some are hopeful and talk of R&R. Some look shell shocked, some look like they will throw up soon, and most are holding on to each other for dear life. But -- they all make the same sacrifice. All those Soldiers climb onto that bus, all those families let go and say goodbye.

Amazing.

I felt so odd. My kids were off playing, the baby fell asleep in her stroller and I was quietly watching all my friends say goodbye to their husbands. I still didn't know when my husband would be leaving; with the big group or later. When the fateful blue buses drove up, my heart sank. Of course, you can hear the same heart sinking sound in the crowd. It makes me think what it must have been like on the Titanic and suddenly feeling the ship sinking. You have been told the ship will go down, but until you feel that heart-wrenching drop, your brain won't accept it. That is what the blue buses feel like. The certainty that they ARE leaving, that this is not a dream. I quickly took the kids over to where my husband was working (we had been trying to stay out of the way), just in case he WAS leaving with the big group. And wheeeeeeew! He was leaving a few hours later.

Once the giant mass of Soldiers had finally left, we could take a little time to be near each other. The kids had to be told to stay nearby, as they wanted to go run and play. I think they were trying to ignore reality a little bit. Erick and I gave those last few hours to our children, so they could each have time with daddy. Joseph, Lily and Leah. They each had hugs, kisses, and talks with Erick before he left. That was all there was time for. He and I held hands, hugged each other hard and kissed goodbye.

So Erick was on the bus at last and I was 10 yards away holding Leah. Joe and Lily were next to me waving goodbye with the panicky, frantic waving you do when you say goodbye to someone you love. Those buses; they ALWAYS sit for a few horrendous minutes. You can see your man, he can see you. The kids can see daddy, he can see the them. Hell, he can even call you on the cell phone and talk. But you are already separated by the window in the bus and it feels like it is 1000 feet thick. And then the bus drives away and he is gone. Just me and the kids left, so we make our way back to our van. As I have had to put the baby into her car seat, she starts to cry loudly. Joseph asks me if Leah is crying because she misses daddy. It breaks my heart to say "No buddy, she isn't even old enough to know he's gone".

I let Joe and Lily sleep in bed with me. For them as much as for me. We watch Ratatouille and eat popcorn in bed. I tell them they will feel a lot better in the morning. We pass out together and snuggle all night long. The next day the kids and I DO feel better. We take it slow, clean the place up and de-Erick-ify. His shoes were still out where he'd left them, and his laundry with his smell was still in our room. Everywhere we looked we were reminded of him being gone and that was too hard to deal with. Once the house was picked up, we were able to start getting on with life. There are still chores to do, homework and housework, and "You still have to be nice to your sister/brother!" :-).

Joe and Lily miss Erick as much as you can imagine, I do too. I bet baby Leah will notice her daddy is gone. The dog even misses him. But each day we deal a bit better than before. We are pretty strong here, and the kids continue to amaze me.

Some neighborhood kids come over with long faces. They tell me their daddy just left today and they are feeling sad. They ask if they can come inside to play. "Of course you can." I say. How can I resist? And upstairs I can hear the children talking about their feelings with each other, dealing with it and then, getting into playtime.

Amazing.